October 31, 1989

My Dear,

I thought I would do something different for Holloween.  I am so tired, I just want to lay down and sleep.  I am so tired of this place.  It is funny how one person can turn a person off to something they love so very much.  It doesn’t matter.  Someday, I will learn.  At this point, I am exactly half way home.  Five semesters down, five semesters to go.

Just lately, I have been seeing how wonderful the beach is.  I miss it very much.

I am really questioning my ability to teach.  I have never before done anything right.  What makes me think I will be a good teacher?

I would love to live on or very close to the beach.  It was a dream, a real one for a change, that I had.  I dreamed that I was a mistress to a very rich man who lived in P.V. He bought me a red buy convertible and I am driving down M. when there is an accident.  I start talking to a surfer and he takes me out to dinner (his name is C.) because my boyfriend is not home.  Anyway, I have an awesome three person relationship.  I don’t love my boyfriend but I have no money…

There were people everywhere
confusion, drunkenness
If you’re on the street, take care
glass, fire, God, what a mess

The dogs were coming with big teeth
hurting, beating any and all in their path.
Hundreds were hiding, sneaking away like a thief
Men in their riot gear, holding their killer’s staff

People are falling, but down by the deadly scepter
Women screaming, fear clutching their soul.

October 30, 1989

Funny how things pass and don’t seem important anymore.  Last year, at this time my grandmother was not expected to live beyond that week but she is very much alive and well.  Also, last year was the big GDI fiasco with G. This year I went to the formal with him and has the most wonderful time.  I showed him which one G. was and G. just showed him out.  We did dips and kicks and twirls.  He tried to make G jealous.  I don’t know if he did but I know I had a great time.  Afterward, J. came over and we took $140. worth of booze. Oh, but the formal was incredible.  I had a wonderful time.

Really that is all I had to say.  I am still dreaming about S. and how I lived with him when I was sleeping.  But now I have added that he lives in C. too and we are going out together.  I would like a boyfriend just so that we can share things.  Secrets, stuff like that.

Dear God,

I want to go home.  Just like the old days, no friends, no outside life.  It does not matter if I sit in my room until forever, it is better than what I live with now!  I know I am not making sense.  I am drunk.  It does not matter.  I would be a million times happier if I was at the Korean Bell.

I hate it here.  Thanks, C., you f$%$% B&%#, because of you I think I dream of sand beaches and surfer dudes that won’t stay.  Because of you, I ditched English.  I guess I will always be stupid.

I loved it when I was nothing then no one could hurt me.  I want to go home.  I hate it where I am.  The b@#$% doesn’t even watch the show!  So who thinks about me?  I will tell you who, a f##$$ invisible man.  The man that I have created in the pages of this book.  He doesn’t care if I talk too much or say the end of the story first, or whatever I seem to do that annoys people so much.  He loves me just the way I am.  I can’t find him here.  I have been looking, please tell me

 

 

where to go!  I am sorry. I am crying all over the pages.  This is not where I want

 

 

to be.  Take me home! Please, please, please, God, if I could only have my own house.  Just for myself and him.  I don’t feel comfortable here anymore.  Take me home, please.  Where the water is cold and the wind is war.  Someone, no matter who is there to love me.

 

Sorry about the tears on the paper.

October 26, 1989

My Dear,

I need to wake up in a bad way so I will tell you what bothers me about C.  She is as moody as hell! I could piss her off and not even know it and she will not talk to me for4 a few days and I will be clueless.

She is very bratty.  If she doesn’t get what she wants, watch out!  I mean screw anyone else unless it suits her.  You can really tell she is an only child.  If she is doing something it is okay.  If someone else does the same thing and she doesn’t like it then she’ll get pissed.  Speaking of being pissed. Talk about getting over excited about the littlest things.  She has no patience with clerks and such.

She has a very short temper and she wants things done her way.

She worries too much what others think and she puts herself down too much.  I think she does it for attention.  So people will say “no, that is not true”.  Whatever!

If there is something she doesn’t like, then all she will do is complain and cry and take it out on us.  Look, if she fails a test it is not my fault.  Maybe she should have studied.  The point is if she doesn’t like her grades or the way she looks then she should change instead of cry about it.

By the way, it is not my fault I have more money than her.  My mother was right she thinks everyone owes her.  I am lucky I have a stepfather that loves me and takes care of me.  While I worked very hard, she sat at home all summer.  I went to school and worked!

I believe that is all for tonight.

October 25, 1989

Hey,

What’s Up?  Well, I am going to the formal.  I don’t know about C.  At least I feel better about it.  Hell, I can’t tell if she really wants to go or not.  Even I don’t want to go for the right reasons.  I want to go because I know what a good looking man G. is and let’s face it, P. will be there, I just want to make him jealous.  The jerk, he could have asked me, but no!  I hate men.  Anyway, C. says she saw him looking at me on the way out.  Sure, he was.  He was probably asking himself, I wonder who would mercy-date her?  Oh, shut up you swine! Now, C. wants to go again.  After R. said no (but he had a good excuse and I am sure he would have gone.).  So when I said why don’t you get set-up she almost had a cow! So why is J. going to set her up?  Whatever!  She is really going for the wrong reason.  She will only hurt herself.

Anywho, I have been dreaming about one night I fell asleep and I wake up in the “Old West”.  I spend two years there.  One night I fall asleep there only to wake up here.  But here is the cool part.I have been gone for only seven or eight hours.  Anyway, my hair is really long, I am a very thin, I’ve got a tattoo, and a healed bullet wound.  Try to deal with school after an ordeal like that.  I’ve gone through the war with Mexico and France.  I’ve been a gunslinger.  I have been living and sleeping with a tough professional soldier for about two years.  Boy, I would think that would change my view on life.  I don’t think I will be too worried about hurting people’s feelings.  I’d probably be able to think faster and be more careful in the decisions I do make.  Anyway, it would be interesting to see what would happen.

Good night,

October 24, 1989

My Dear,

Okay, he accepted it.  But now I think I forgot to do an anthropology forum.  What is my problem this semester?  I am really a scatter brain.  Thankfully my anthropology professor is a lot easier to deal with.  I simply will talk to her today, play my dumb routine and we shall see what happens.

Other big to-dos.  G. asked why C. and I weren’t going to the formal.  We said because we could not find dates.  He said he would go with us.  He thought it would be a lot of fun if the three of us went.  I thought it was a great idea.  C. did not. Ultimately, she is not going and G. and I are.  I even told her I would get set up which at first I was objected to.

October 17, 1989, was the big earthquake in San Francisco.  It did not affect me but it sure freaked a lot of people at school!

The class is starting.

As I close my eyes to dream my dreams
I feel the world fall away from me
Never to return, it sometimes seems.

October 16, 1989

Dearest,

Well, I have really gone overboard this time.  I probably have told you that I hate my art class so I don’t go much.  Well, this is the good part! I ditched when a paper was due and of course he is the type of guy that won’t let a person have make-ups.  So here I am, sitting in front of his door.  I am going to talk to him.

I don’t really know what to say, but I figure the truth can’t hurt.  I will probably fail the class. I am really scared. I’ve never done that before.  I mean fail a class.  All I can say to him is that I have been so worried about my other classes that I have put this one on the back burner, it is only my minor.  So I will ask him if he will accept the damn thing and I will ask him what I should do.  Man, my mother will be so upset.  I’m upset.  So why aren’t I feeling better?  I made a plan and now I am following said plan.  I should be feeling better. You know, lately, I have been having night and day dreams about home.  Am I finally getting tired of school?  I think I am, academically.  I fell that after all the schooling I wont be a very good teacher.  Than thinking about it more I realize I don’t do anything well.  God, I think I am going to throw up.