October 10, 1989

My Love,

I am truly sorry that I was so abrupt but I had two midterms and my patience was very short.

So much has happened gosh were do I begin?  Hell, right now I am in my art history class. Yes, I’ve picked up a new minor, Art!  I hate this class though.  The teacher is an idiot and this is my worse class. Yuck.

Boy wise, well now that’s a good one.  I some how have picked up P.  I really don’t know how.  Last semester he was dating this really pretty girl.  He was great and funny so I thought gosh just one night.  Like with D.  Well, he broke up with W. and he came over one night, I don’t even know why, I guess to see S and M and then he kissed me and stayed the night on my couch.  The point is, it was okay.  He is a nice guy but that is where it ends. He comes over last Saturday and I was pretty buzzed and we are first goofing around and stuff.  You know how I get when I am buzzed.  Anyway he tells me that his sister’s apartment is empty.  Yeah, thanks, for telling me, what do I care?  Anyway, he rides me around on his motorcycle which is awesome, and I tell him.  Get this, I tell him that I am not ready to sleep with him.  He tells me he has never asked me to sleep with him. Ha, yeah, that’s why you have been pressuring me.  Can you believe it?  Anyway, he is coming over next Wednesday.  I forgot to tell him I have class until 10:00 pm, so I probably won’t see him.

Gosh, I just got back my art test, I won’t tell the score for fear this manuscript falls into enemy hands so let’s just say I need to study for the next one.

But P. isn’t my only man problem.  G. is killing me. I thought he liked me.  Now I know it isn’t true.  He is, first, a big flirt. But now I think I like him. Whenever I am at a party I basically throw myself at him.  Which is so typical of me.  But last party J. was getting pretty friendly.  Of course, what I should realize is that he was drunk and had beer goggles.

I have been dreaming about S. dreaming that I am without him.  I think I have reached that period where a boyfriend doesn’t sound so bad.  Do you remember last time I felt like this?  An awesome night on a veranda with a full moon.  The night was warm and breezy, goosebumps crawling up my arms thinking about you.  I was 13 years old and I was wishing that you really existed.  I was afraid I would never find a boy.  Seven years doesn’t even seem that long ago.

C. and I, well we are okay but she does get on my nerves.  I don’t understand why I always hang-out with the same people.  Although, I have noticed that all my new friends are nothing like L. or C. which is good.

Nostradamus has predicted a third world war that will last for twenty-seven years starting in the years 1993-1997.  I don’t believe it.  Well, my logical mind doesn’t but thinking about such horrors makes me happy for the way that I live now. It also really makes me want to live in the past.  No excitement, nothing I don’t know about, no smog, or destruction, no depletion of ozone, no extinction of wild life.

I am not excited about the future.  I am excited over the prospect of my children.

I also had another dream that I left school to have a baby, God forbid.  I realize I am so unable to care for a child right now.  I want to travel.

Fare thee Well,

December 23, 1987

I have just finished watching Beauty and the Beast.  Victor, the beast, is quoting poetry. I wish I could quote poetry.

This vacation I will read as much as I can.  Our cat Max died today.  She died of poison.  We had our house tented for termites because we are moving to the other side of town.  It made me think about the gas chamber.  How would a person sit there and know they were going to die?  I would do it as bravely as possible.  When Mata Hari was executed she was very brave about it and the guards really admired her.  They were going to tie her up, she said that wouldn’t be necessary. At first, the guards didn’t even want to tie her up.  Like the Indian in The Grapes of Wrath, he is standing tall and proud with the sun behind him and no one wants to shoot him because he has magic. I am not sure I would call it magic.  Maybe majestic?  I wonder if that is the same thing?  Anyway, wouldn’t that be a great painting?

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and we still don’t have a tree up. It hasn’t felt very Christmassy.  I was so busy with finals and school, I have not had time to think of Christmas. My dad hasn’t even called yet.  Someday, he will altogether quit calling.  Usually, it doesn’t bother me but every once in a while when I think about it I get upset.  However, I won’t worry about it until another time.  I can do that.  I can push things out of my mind and pretend they simply do not exist.  Sometimes, it costs a lot.  What I mean is I forget things and I become “blonde” but it is worth it.

I remember when I used to dream about a man who came to me and he loved me. He would only come to me when I was asleep. He would always be a different guy. I mean I would change the guy, once it was M.

Once, we were in a beautiful house and I was wearing black. I had a white horse and he had a black horse.  We would ride at night in a forest lit by moonlight riding past fairies running to catch us.

Then there was the guy from the Civil War and B., he was from the 1100s, England.  Like at the Irish Festival.  Have I told you the one about P.?  I am married in a Southern Belle costume in white wouldn’t that be pretty?  My dreams are so long and complex.  It is hard to write them all down.  So I write snippets here and there.  I probably won’t remember them next week.  Just silly thoughts from a silly girl. The end of 1987 is near, how could it have gone so quickly?

I must confess, I am afraid of the future. I know the past. I wish I could be plopped down in the 1900s, I would know what to expect.  Did I tell you the dream where  I  was part of the Black Sheep squadron? My eyelids are growing heavy my love.

Yours,