October 8, 1989

It seems odd that time can pass so quickly.  It seems like yesterday when I first started writing to you.  So much as happened since last I wrote you.  I live with J., C., and D.  I no longer talk to L. for a number of reasons.  I think the most important is that I had wanted to be rid of her for along time.

I live in the Zoo and there are a lot of great people here making the experience noteworthy.

I joined a G.D.I. and I love it.  I suppose you had already realized that something like that would be for me.

There is so much that I want to say.  I will start writing to you again so let me put you in my backpack.

It is so good to be back!

Love,

April 17, 1989

My Dear,

Only thirty-two more days for this school year to be over.  And for once I am not afraid to say I want to go home.  This has not been the best semester for me.  Oh sure, I have had a lot of fun but things are so hectic.  I have been living out of a suitcase and I am so tired.  I always feel bad, I think it is because I am not eating right.  I don’t know who I am living with next year and that worries me.  I know I am living with C. and that is starting to make me nervous.  I am tired of school and I wonder if I have any friends?  I am running out of money and I am seeking male companionship.  I am smarter than most in knowing I will not find him at a one night stand.  So when guys come home with me it is more or less a joke.  The only guy I really respected was M.  but I haven’t seen him since and I sometimes wonder if he wasn’t the one?  I feel awful because I am so fat, I feel guys don’t like me because of it.  I do feel I am prettier, though.  Writing this down, I feel so stupid.  The way I see it.  Thirty days of hell to go than three months of complete silence and then I will be ready for the hectic pace that is college.

You are right, I can hear you now, “Stop feeling sorry for yourself”, you would say.

I will my love, tomorrow.

December 29, 1987

Well, my father never called and yes, it hurts. Mother says “You’ll start something you can’t finish”. But I have a feeling it was started a very long time ago.  It’s not like I will never talk to him again but it does hurt.  He could have called me first.

I feel bad because I just saw Moonlighting and they are a couple and I wish I was. Extremely good news, I watched an episode of Remington Steele tonight.  It wasn’t one of my favorites but who is complaining? You know both shows came out at the same time.

I sometimes wish that once and for all I could forget my dad.  I never really see him and then when I do, he really impresses me.

I know that hurts my mom.  I see him four times a year and then I tell my mom I like him more.  I have always envied him.  He should have left.  And all the time he said he’d take me to the river and I would be part of his crew.  God, he doesn’t even race anymore.  It is all smoke.  It looks real but it’s not.  I care more for K.  I care more for the cat.  I have known her longer too.  And I am not thinking cat years.  When I am older, I picture I will see him once a year.  Just something I would do as an obligation.

By the way, remind me where I can tell L. to go!  She is another pain in the you-know-where.

Here’s to my new diet!  Which as you will be happy to know, I am still at 168.

Thanks for listening,

December 26, 1987

My Love,

Tonight is Footloose, it is a really good movie. I used to pretend I was the girl.  She is way too skinny but that is okay.  I love her red cowboy boots, though.  I am really tired I have been shopping all day looking for a bomber jacket, too expensive.  I will just have to keep looking.  Well, aren’t I just full of talk, I can’t think of anything else to say…oh wait, yes, I can.

I feel bad because I can’t take risks.

I am afraid of elevators, I am afraid of everything I am afraid of getting caught.  People give me a lot of trouble because of it but what am I supposed to do?  It is not as bad as it used to be.  L. has a lot of nerve sometimes.  She really makes me mad.  She is another person that I can’t hang around with full time.  She has been my best friend off and on since freshman year of high school.  God, we have had some problems.  She drives me nuts.  When I had a journal before I always wrote stories now I hardly ever do.  Well, maybe later.

Yours Truly,