January 11, 1988


Why am I felt to be the horrible person?  I am very upset. Let me just get it out.  She is controlling MY life.  She can’t; what would have happened if I had stayed here and not gone to school?  I had another Steele and Holt dream.  This one is much more provocative.  And, here I am, trying to change the subject.  I don’t want to say I will never come back and visit my mother but things have to change. I am writing nothing more about it. Soon it will not matter for the moment I will do nothing.

My Dearest Catherine,

I can not remember the last time I saw your sweet beautiful face or your blue eyes that seem to make the sky look dull. I only can remember the sorrow and the depression. The death that floats around me like a never ending cloud.  You are like the sun.  But the cloud is blocking you out, I know you are there and I pray soon that I will feel your warmth upon my cold and weary body.

I can not fight anymore.  It seems there will never be an end until all are dead.  I have put in my resignation.  I will be coming home.  To forget, to heal, to love, to grow old with you and our children.  To run across the field like we used to and worry about anything.  To feel my hands in your hair.  To feel one with myself and my God.  And to be able to look you in the eye, Catherine.  Without you there is nothing.

I can not wait to see your beautiful face.



Was that too sad for you?  Oh darn, I don’t imagine you are upset.  Damn it all, don’t you have any feelings, any compassion?  Do ou know why R. Steele likes the movies so much?  Because it was an escape for an unhappy boy.  Like me.  I would like to stay and write more, however, I have pressing engagements like…oh who am I kidding, nothing.

Your Adoring Fan,


December 29, 1987

Well, my father never called and yes, it hurts. Mother says “You’ll start something you can’t finish”. But I have a feeling it was started a very long time ago.  It’s not like I will never talk to him again but it does hurt.  He could have called me first.

I feel bad because I just saw Moonlighting and they are a couple and I wish I was. Extremely good news, I watched an episode of Remington Steele tonight.  It wasn’t one of my favorites but who is complaining? You know both shows came out at the same time.

I sometimes wish that once and for all I could forget my dad.  I never really see him and then when I do, he really impresses me.

I know that hurts my mom.  I see him four times a year and then I tell my mom I like him more.  I have always envied him.  He should have left.  And all the time he said he’d take me to the river and I would be part of his crew.  God, he doesn’t even race anymore.  It is all smoke.  It looks real but it’s not.  I care more for K.  I care more for the cat.  I have known her longer too.  And I am not thinking cat years.  When I am older, I picture I will see him once a year.  Just something I would do as an obligation.

By the way, remind me where I can tell L. to go!  She is another pain in the you-know-where.

Here’s to my new diet!  Which as you will be happy to know, I am still at 168.

Thanks for listening,