October 25, 1989

Hey,

What’s Up?  Well, I am going to the formal.  I don’t know about C.  At least I feel better about it.  Hell, I can’t tell if she really wants to go or not.  Even I don’t want to go for the right reasons.  I want to go because I know what a good looking man G. is and let’s face it, P. will be there, I just want to make him jealous.  The jerk, he could have asked me, but no!  I hate men.  Anyway, C. says she saw him looking at me on the way out.  Sure, he was.  He was probably asking himself, I wonder who would mercy-date her?  Oh, shut up you swine! Now, C. wants to go again.  After R. said no (but he had a good excuse and I am sure he would have gone.).  So when I said why don’t you get set-up she almost had a cow! So why is J. going to set her up?  Whatever!  She is really going for the wrong reason.  She will only hurt herself.

Anywho, I have been dreaming about one night I fell asleep and I wake up in the “Old West”.  I spend two years there.  One night I fall asleep there only to wake up here.  But here is the cool part.I have been gone for only seven or eight hours.  Anyway, my hair is really long, I am a very thin, I’ve got a tattoo, and a healed bullet wound.  Try to deal with school after an ordeal like that.  I’ve gone through the war with Mexico and France.  I’ve been a gunslinger.  I have been living and sleeping with a tough professional soldier for about two years.  Boy, I would think that would change my view on life.  I don’t think I will be too worried about hurting people’s feelings.  I’d probably be able to think faster and be more careful in the decisions I do make.  Anyway, it would be interesting to see what would happen.

Good night,

October 10, 1989

My Love,

I am truly sorry that I was so abrupt but I had two midterms and my patience was very short.

So much has happened gosh were do I begin?  Hell, right now I am in my art history class. Yes, I’ve picked up a new minor, Art!  I hate this class though.  The teacher is an idiot and this is my worse class. Yuck.

Boy wise, well now that’s a good one.  I some how have picked up P.  I really don’t know how.  Last semester he was dating this really pretty girl.  He was great and funny so I thought gosh just one night.  Like with D.  Well, he broke up with W. and he came over one night, I don’t even know why, I guess to see S and M and then he kissed me and stayed the night on my couch.  The point is, it was okay.  He is a nice guy but that is where it ends. He comes over last Saturday and I was pretty buzzed and we are first goofing around and stuff.  You know how I get when I am buzzed.  Anyway he tells me that his sister’s apartment is empty.  Yeah, thanks, for telling me, what do I care?  Anyway, he rides me around on his motorcycle which is awesome, and I tell him.  Get this, I tell him that I am not ready to sleep with him.  He tells me he has never asked me to sleep with him. Ha, yeah, that’s why you have been pressuring me.  Can you believe it?  Anyway, he is coming over next Wednesday.  I forgot to tell him I have class until 10:00 pm, so I probably won’t see him.

Gosh, I just got back my art test, I won’t tell the score for fear this manuscript falls into enemy hands so let’s just say I need to study for the next one.

But P. isn’t my only man problem.  G. is killing me. I thought he liked me.  Now I know it isn’t true.  He is, first, a big flirt. But now I think I like him. Whenever I am at a party I basically throw myself at him.  Which is so typical of me.  But last party J. was getting pretty friendly.  Of course, what I should realize is that he was drunk and had beer goggles.

I have been dreaming about S. dreaming that I am without him.  I think I have reached that period where a boyfriend doesn’t sound so bad.  Do you remember last time I felt like this?  An awesome night on a veranda with a full moon.  The night was warm and breezy, goosebumps crawling up my arms thinking about you.  I was 13 years old and I was wishing that you really existed.  I was afraid I would never find a boy.  Seven years doesn’t even seem that long ago.

C. and I, well we are okay but she does get on my nerves.  I don’t understand why I always hang-out with the same people.  Although, I have noticed that all my new friends are nothing like L. or C. which is good.

Nostradamus has predicted a third world war that will last for twenty-seven years starting in the years 1993-1997.  I don’t believe it.  Well, my logical mind doesn’t but thinking about such horrors makes me happy for the way that I live now. It also really makes me want to live in the past.  No excitement, nothing I don’t know about, no smog, or destruction, no depletion of ozone, no extinction of wild life.

I am not excited about the future.  I am excited over the prospect of my children.

I also had another dream that I left school to have a baby, God forbid.  I realize I am so unable to care for a child right now.  I want to travel.

Fare thee Well,

April 20, 1989

My Dear,

I was contemplating writing you or to another.  You, of course, won.  You are closer to my heart and you were in my thoughts first.

Do you remember the warm nights on the beach with the moon shining above?  Those will be nights I will never forget.

How are things for you?  I am okay.  I am back to my weight loss problem/progress.  I have lost two pounds making me weigh 165.  Tonight, I am drinking but I don’t know, I don’t really want to.  I think this has been the first time.  You see I am worried about money, my weight and my relationship with two of my good friends.  I feel they, S. and C., don’t like me anymore.  It is not my fault, I don’t understand their problems.  Just like I know you are the only one who understands mine.

I am thinking a lot about T. lately  Well, everyone is back so instead of signing off I’ll toast to you…

April 17, 1989

My Dear,

Only thirty-two more days for this school year to be over.  And for once I am not afraid to say I want to go home.  This has not been the best semester for me.  Oh sure, I have had a lot of fun but things are so hectic.  I have been living out of a suitcase and I am so tired.  I always feel bad, I think it is because I am not eating right.  I don’t know who I am living with next year and that worries me.  I know I am living with C. and that is starting to make me nervous.  I am tired of school and I wonder if I have any friends?  I am running out of money and I am seeking male companionship.  I am smarter than most in knowing I will not find him at a one night stand.  So when guys come home with me it is more or less a joke.  The only guy I really respected was M.  but I haven’t seen him since and I sometimes wonder if he wasn’t the one?  I feel awful because I am so fat, I feel guys don’t like me because of it.  I do feel I am prettier, though.  Writing this down, I feel so stupid.  The way I see it.  Thirty days of hell to go than three months of complete silence and then I will be ready for the hectic pace that is college.

You are right, I can hear you now, “Stop feeling sorry for yourself”, you would say.

I will my love, tomorrow.

July 6, 1988

Dear C. (From work),

Since I see you every day and I would say we are on some kind of intimate terms.  I thought that if I wrote this letter to you it might help explain a few things about me.  First of all, I am writing this the night of the power outage.  Every time you kiss me at work, I am afraid of being caught.  That, in itself, is a problem. I don’t know if it is good that I don’t want to be caught or bad.  It is not exactly as if we are dating.  We haven’t seen each other out of work but even if you asked me out on a date I don’t know if I would go.  Not that you aren’t fun.  It is just that I think you would try to go as far as you like, well, to put it simply, I don’t trust you.  I am not sure you are a trustworthy guy.  If I asked you to stop I am not sure you would.  I don’t know if things should progress that far.  On the other hand, I like what you do to me.  I would like to continue it somewhere else where we are not interrupted. Perhaps, if I had a little bit of confidence in me (I don’t like using it for that but…)

What I would really like to know is; what you classify this relationship as, how much does M. know, and I wonder how much you say about M is true.  I am not sounding conceited but I think he may like me.  If that is the case, I don’t now what to do.  I have never received attention from two guys at the same time.

Oh, by the way, that reminds me to tell you, I don’t like playing the prude.  Sometimes, I act a lot braver than I really am.  There are some things I may do that I shouldn’t but life does continue.  I know I am leaving a lot out but basically, I just want to know what the hell is going on.

Love,

By the way, I weigh 159 pounds today.