January 11, 1988

Dear,

Why am I felt to be the horrible person?  I am very upset. Let me just get it out.  She is controlling MY life.  She can’t; what would have happened if I had stayed here and not gone to school?  I had another Steele and Holt dream.  This one is much more provocative.  And, here I am, trying to change the subject.  I don’t want to say I will never come back and visit my mother but things have to change. I am writing nothing more about it. Soon it will not matter for the moment I will do nothing.

My Dearest Catherine,

I can not remember the last time I saw your sweet beautiful face or your blue eyes that seem to make the sky look dull. I only can remember the sorrow and the depression. The death that floats around me like a never ending cloud.  You are like the sun.  But the cloud is blocking you out, I know you are there and I pray soon that I will feel your warmth upon my cold and weary body.

I can not fight anymore.  It seems there will never be an end until all are dead.  I have put in my resignation.  I will be coming home.  To forget, to heal, to love, to grow old with you and our children.  To run across the field like we used to and worry about anything.  To feel my hands in your hair.  To feel one with myself and my God.  And to be able to look you in the eye, Catherine.  Without you there is nothing.

I can not wait to see your beautiful face.

Thomas

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Was that too sad for you?  Oh darn, I don’t imagine you are upset.  Damn it all, don’t you have any feelings, any compassion?  Do ou know why R. Steele likes the movies so much?  Because it was an escape for an unhappy boy.  Like me.  I would like to stay and write more, however, I have pressing engagements like…oh who am I kidding, nothing.

Your Adoring Fan,

December 7, 1988

I am not writing you from the beach, as you may think, but from the bedroom.  I changed my mind when I woke up this morning and decided against it.  I just watched The Sting II.  I wish I was a con artist.  Just for the excitement and adventure. Like it seemed to be in the movie.  I would give half of my money to charity.  But like all things, give me a week and I will change my mind and want to do something else.  You know, I have always been afraid I would always live in a dream world.  I don’t. Live in a dream world all of the time, that is. Only when I am here, at home.

I should try and make it a point to be as friendly as possible.  Ah, right now, I am listening to

Ah, right now, I am listening to Somewhere in Time. That melancholy tune that keeps me in rapture every time it is played.  I changed my major to Social Science.  We will see how long that lasts, eh?

I want to write you my most valuable and secret thoughts, how did the woman in Somewhere in Time say it?  “What every woman dreams of in the most secret beaches of her heart.” After all of that, and I have nothing to tell, no secrets to give away. Just a bored and restless soul yearning to be free. I am sure I will get over it once school starts back up.

Nae’ living man I’ll love again
since that my lovely knight is slain
with a lock of his yellow hair
I’ll chain my heart forever mare’

I did not write that.  I found it in a book.  I just felt like writing it.  I can picture a wife in front of a castle that does not belong to her, clutching a lock of yellow hair, while a knight in armor tries, awkwardly, to comfort her.  Her children are running around her, oblivious to what is going on.

Oh, I can hear you say, such morbid thoughts for such a young girl?  By the way, Daniel Charmers is his father’s name.  Remington Steele, that is. No, I never stop.  Jealous?  Then come to me,

come to me my love…

December 6, 1988

My Dearest,

“Teddy Boy-Grandma’s joy”.  I wanted to write that down so I wouldn’t forget it.  And for the millionth time I am wishing for something that is just beyond my grasp.  But I will try to change that.  Nothing is happening at all.  I have been painting, never leaving the house.  It is not good and I feel kind of sick.  Tomorrow, I think, I will go to the beach and maybe take some pictures.  Right now school sounds good.  Good friends and a busy schedule.  Come home to good music, a full stomach,  painting, and homework.  I sound very mature but that can not be helped.  I can see it now, a yuppie attitude in a freshman college student and why not?  Get up at six am, go to class at eight.  Get off at around five pm.  Eat dinner than drink my milk-juice-whatever.  Listen to music, do homework, paint, read a book, and go to bed.  Does it sound dull?  Don’t worry, I will spice up my weekends.  My new image is Laura Holt.  You know T.V. was always my escape.  I still enjoy looking at it as much as reading.

She hadn’t seen him in years and even now she didn’t know if it was a good idea to acknowledge that he was there.  “How have you been?”, he asked.  “Fine” she had said hurriedly.  Oh, how she had loved him.  It had been no silly fling for her. She wished he would go so that she could cry and then try to forget him. She knew she would fail in that regard, yet again.

Does that sound depressing?  I think I will make a day out of the beach tomorrow.  You know, pack a lunch, the whole ten yards, as they say.  I will get all dressed up.  I will be in true Laura Holt fashion.  Bring my camera and write you a letter.  I will write something to warm your cold nights without me.

“Ahh, dabbling in mystery yet again, when will I ever learn, Mr. Steele?”
“Perhaps never, Ms. Holt”
“Let’s hope so, Mr. Steele”
“Dinner and a movie?”
“Why not?” she said as Remington Steele handed her a glass of Champagne.
“Cheers,” he said seductively, as he leaned into Laura Holt.  She simply smiled and patiently waited…

And so do I, as I bid you a farewell,

January 4, 1988

My Dear,

screenshot-179Just a quick note.  Mr. Schwendemann said the sweetest thing. I will never forget it and it meant a lot to me.  He said he would have liked to have me as a daughter.  He asked me about my dad.  It was nice, I am loved and I knew it all along.  Here is another secret.  I wish I had a boyfriend.  I had that daydream again where I am Remington Steele‘s sister, adopted sister.  Why do I daydream so much?  You would think I should go into a career that requires a great imagination.

Good Night,

January 2, 1988

Dearest,

I had a dream that Remington Steele and Laura Holt were married but, alas, it wasn’t working out too well.  They had a great home and a beautiful child but the magic in their relationship was gone.  Remington thought they should have one more go at saving their marriage.  They go away for a romantic weekend. Krebbs was the babysitter/housekeeper.  Long story short, one of their paintings is stolen.  The couple figures out by whom.  Then, in my dream, I turn into Laura Holt.

It IS a dream, don’t think bad thoughts, dear.

I tell Remington that the thief used “slight of hand”.  Our little boy comes up to me and says that I am very smart.  Remington and I laugh at our little boy and we decide to stay together.

Well, the year is a new year.  Hey, if I work for $5. and hour, 27 hours a week for 36 weeks, I would have enough money to go anywhere I wanted to go in the summer.  I just found out I could make $25. an hour at the Reading Game.

So long,

December 30, 2016

My Dearest Heart,

I saw two episodes of Remington Steele.  Not only is it a T.V. show but it is one of my favorite T.V. shows, a touchstone if you will.  The elegance, the sophistication, the intrigue make the show so fabulous. Since I was in the Eighth grade, 1983, I have dreamed of becoming a private investigator and leading an exciting life, visiting many countries.  Well, I realized I can never be an investigator or a con artist but I can travel and

I so much want to lead an adventurous life.

And lead a life of sophistication and of course, Remington Steele, Harry, is a very handsome man.  I wish I was pretty enough to have him for a boyfriend but I am sure I could be if I really tried.  Maybe someday.  I could see me now, teaching school in the winter and traveling in the summer.  I would like to be able to spend at least three weeks where ever I go.  That way I can really get the feeling of the place.  Greece, Rome, France, Spain, Africa, the list never ends.  My greatest wish is to fill this page, and the ones coming ahead, with stuff people want to read about.  I want to be that old grandma that tells exciting tales.

For now,

December 29, 1987

Well, my father never called and yes, it hurts. Mother says “You’ll start something you can’t finish”. But I have a feeling it was started a very long time ago.  It’s not like I will never talk to him again but it does hurt.  He could have called me first.

I feel bad because I just saw Moonlighting and they are a couple and I wish I was. Extremely good news, I watched an episode of Remington Steele tonight.  It wasn’t one of my favorites but who is complaining? You know both shows came out at the same time.

I sometimes wish that once and for all I could forget my dad.  I never really see him and then when I do, he really impresses me.

I know that hurts my mom.  I see him four times a year and then I tell my mom I like him more.  I have always envied him.  He should have left.  And all the time he said he’d take me to the river and I would be part of his crew.  God, he doesn’t even race anymore.  It is all smoke.  It looks real but it’s not.  I care more for K.  I care more for the cat.  I have known her longer too.  And I am not thinking cat years.  When I am older, I picture I will see him once a year.  Just something I would do as an obligation.

By the way, remind me where I can tell L. to go!  She is another pain in the you-know-where.

Here’s to my new diet!  Which as you will be happy to know, I am still at 168.

Thanks for listening,